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The Four Pillars of Worth

Self-awareness

Self-esteem

Self-respect

Self-confidence

African American Mother with Daughter
Family Having Fun

Posse-bilities

A Worthy Posse

A Posse is a group of people who have a common characteristic or purpose. We can create a circle of friends who support and promote the worth of all the members. 

Benefits of a Posse with Purpose

How we connect with each other determines our ability to self-regulate during stress. We feel stress on a daily basis which can make us physically sick if we don't have a safe space where we can connect and be received by others. A good friend will recognize when we need support to get us back to feeling "right," this is called self-regulation. It happens best in the presence of a friend who provides a calm (non-agitated) presence that we can feel connected to.

Healthy Connection

It is important to feel emotionally safe with at least one other person. If this sounds impossible then you may have been cheated out of having healthy connection and may not know how to co-create it with others. You can learn how to have healthier connection with others through counseling sessions specific to this issue.

Healthy connection is consistently safe emotionally and socially. The friends we feel safe with never humiliate us or manipulate us in a harmful way. When we need support they recognize that the best way to help is to listen without judging. We can share what we are afraid of without being mocked. Even when we are feeling vulnerable and exposed - we feel safe. The experience of healthy connection helps us self-regulate back to being grounded in our strengths.

 

 

Asking for Self-regulating Connection

We know we need something or someone to help us feel better but we haven't been taught what to ask for. We can bring a new conversation into all of our relationships and ask for what we need. Inviting people to be present without fixing (and that we will provide this experience for them too) is a worthy experience. The invitation can be made before the experience is needed. In fact you can just cut and paste the following list of how to invite others to a healthier connection.

How to start the self-regulating conversation with a friend or family member:

1. Ask, "What is most helpful from me when you feel bad?"

2. Listen

3. Respond respectfully and let the person know which things you recognize as helpful for you too. 

4. Ask, "Does my listening to you right now feel good?"

5. If the answer is "yes" then invite this person to join you in a listening process whenever things become challenging for either of you. You can give this conversation a name like the Calming Conversation or something you prefer that helps you remember the steps. It's okay to let the person know you have thirty minutes but that you will be fully present for that whole time.

 

How to Have Better Conversations https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_to_have_better_conversations_across_difference?

*For a deeper listening process check out the blog about Intimate Conversation from the Gottman Institute.